ABDELRAHMAN EL-ARABY

"I WENT TO CLASS, PRACTICED, WENT ON DATES, & PERFORMED

WELL IN THE WEIGHT ROOM, UNTIL SATURDAY, MARCH 12TH,

LAST YEAR. I WOKE UP & KNEW THAT WAS IT. I DID NOT FEEL

BETTER. NOBODY ASKED HOW I FELT, ALTHOUGH I DO NOT THINK

I WOULD HAVE TOLD THEM HOW I FELT ANYWAY. AS I SAW NO

HOPE FROM HOW THEY WERE CALLING OTHER TEAMMATES "P

WORDS" FOR STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. I HAD

LOST VISION IN MY HEART & ALL I COULD SEE WERE THE WORDS

"UNLOVABLE" "FAILURE" "DISGRACE" "DISAPPOINTMENT.

 

I OPENED TWO BOTTLES OF AN OVER-THE-COUNTER
MEDICINE THAT I BOUGHT TWO WEEKS BEFORE, TEXTED
MY ROOMMATES I LOVE THEM, SWALLOWED THE PILLS,
AND TRIED TO GO TO SLEEP. IT STARTED TO GRADUALLY
HAPPEN AND I WAS OKAY WITH IT, BUT SUDDENLY
SOMETHING SNAPPED IN ME. I HAD A HALLUCINATION OF
MY SISTER AND MOM BEING IN THE ROOM WITH ME THERE
AND I IMMEDIATELY WENT INTO SURVIVAL MODE.

 

I TRIED TO MAKE MYSELF THROW UP BUT MY THROAT WAS TOO
NUMB AND I WAS ALREADY UNDER THE HEAVY EFFECT OF THE
MEDICATION. I COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING OTHER THAN DOTS & I
COULDN'T FEEL MY LEGS OR ARMS. I COLLAPSED ON THE FLOOR
AND CALLED FOR HELP, I CALLED MY FRIENDS AND MY ATHLETIC
TRAINER AND THEN CRAWLED BACK TO THE BATHROOM TRYING
TO THROW UP AGAIN, BUT THERE WAS NOTHING. AS SOON AS I
PICKED MYSELF UP & SAW MY REFLECTION, I REALIZED THAT I
HAD JUST KILLED MYSELF, BUT I (NO LONGER) WANTED TO DIE...

 

I CRAWLED BACK TO BED AGAIN, SAT DOWN AND JUST
LIVED FOR A FEW MORE MINUTES. I REMEMBER SEEING
EVERYTHING, HEARING EVERYTHING; HOW THE EMS WAS
TALKING ABOUT ME, HOW MY BEST FRIEND BROKE DOWN
CRYING WHEN HE REALIZED I WAS NOT RESPONSIVE AND
ASKING ME. 'PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ME, MAN. I LOVE YOU, 

BRO. I STILL WANT YOU HERE... F**K ALL THAT IS HURTING 

YOU.' I STOPPED BREATHING AND I CLOSED MY EYES.

 

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED (AFTER), BUT I WOKE UP
TWO DAYS LATER WITH A VENTILATOR IN MY MOUTH AND
A BUNCH OF ELECTRODES WRAPPED AROUND MY HEAD,
I SAW SMILING FACES AND REALIZED I MADE IT AND I (JUST)
IMMEDIATELY BROKE DOWN CRYING. TEAMMATES STARTED
COMING TO VISIT, MY MOM AND SISTER STARTED CALLING
AND MESSAGING ABOUT HOW DEVASTATED THEY WERE
GOING TO BE IF I HAD (REALLY) GONE THROUGH WITH IT.

I TRIED TO AVOID WHAT HAPPENED AND ATTEMPTED TO
GET BACK TO LIFE. IT WAS LIKE WHEN YOU GET SMACKED
IN THE FACE BY A BALL AND TRY TO SHAKE IT OFF LIKE A
CHAMP. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU GOT SMACKED, WHO ARE
YOU KIDDING? I WAS TRANSFERRED TO A PSYCH WARD
AND HAD TO DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM HEAD-ON, WITHOUT
DISTRACTIONS, NO SCHOOL, NO PHONE & NO SWIMMING.

 

IF YOU ARE CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE, THERE IS ALWAYS
A CHOICE NOT TO. IT WILL NOT GO AS YOU PLAN IT. IT IS
A HORRIFYING PLACE. AND YOU WILL NOT JUST GO TO
SLEEP THE THOUGHTS HAUNTING YOU ARE REAL. BUT
THEY ARE NOT FACT. I AM TELLING MY STORY TODAY AND
WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO EVERY DAY BECAUSE THERE
ARE PEOPLE WHO GO THROUGH THIS EVERY MINUTE.

  

IT COULD BE YOU. THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU.
YOUR FATHER, BROTHER, FRIEND, OR PARTNER. I WANT TO
HELP SAVE ALL OF THESE SOULS SUFFERING IN SILENCE.
I CAN NOT REACH THEM ALL YET, BUT I CAN REACH YOU,
AND I HOPE YOU TOOK SOMETHING FROM MY STORY."